First Unitarian Universalist Society of Albany
"Make
Love Not War"
Rev.
Samuel A. Trumbore, February 9, 2003
Call to Celebration
The ultimate weakness of violence
is
that it is a descending spiral,
begetting
the very thing it seeks to destroy.
Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it.
Through violence you murder the hater,
but
you do not murder hate.
In fact, violence merely increases hate …
Returning violence for violence multiplies violence,
adding
deeper darkness to a night
already
devoid of stars.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness;
only
light can do that.
Hatred and bitterness can never cure the disease of fear,
only
love can do that.
Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it.
Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it.
Hatred darkens life; love illumines it.
--by Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
Fear, a more or less reflexive response that we share with
other species, drives each of us, as an individual, to save him or herself in
the face of danger. Fear cannot
distinguish between a fire in one’s own house and a nuclear holocaust—between
one’s own death and the end of the world—and is therefore useless even to begin
to suggest to us the meaning of the nuclear peril. Its meaning can be grasped only to the extent that we feel the
precise opposite of fear, which is a sense of responsibility, or devotion, or
love, for other people, including those who have not yet been born. In Germany, the Peace movement has inverted
the traditional Biblical admonition, “Fear not” to say “You must fear.” But the original version was the right one,
for nuclear matters as well as others.
Fear isolates. Love connects. Only insofar as the latter is strong in us
are we likely to find the resolve to prevent our extinction.
--by Jonathan Schell
While I should have been
preparing for this sermon, I read and studied Colin Powell's presentation
before the UN security counsel and the response of the world community. Powell made a compelling case that Iraq is not
living up to resolution 1441 in spirit or in fact. If Powell's evidence is credible, and we have every reason to
believe it is, Iraq's defiance of the world community will accelerate the
likelihood of war.
The French, Germans, Chinese, and
Russians still resist war. They
continue to argue for more inspections.
This measured approach reminds me what a good negotiator does when two
parties are in conflict. The negotiator
doesn't give each side a pistol and take them outside to settle their score at
ten paces. The negotiator doesn’t try
to ease the tensions, either. The
skillful negotiator uses the escalating anxiety of the conflict to move both
parties toward resolution.
International relations is not for the faint of heart.
Whether in international relations
or in interpersonal relations it is often simpler to fight or to hide than to
negotiate. Nations and couples in
conflict can easily begin to attack each other with criticism and contempt,
avoiding the underlying issues that are creating their conflict. It is so much easier to make war and not
face those underlying concerns rather than struggle toward peaceful resolution
that can lead to making love. As
Valentine’s Day is this coming week, I'd like to talk about how to do that for
couples and maybe we'll find some wisdom for our international situation.
Rather than starting with
unhealthy relationships and looking at how to fix them, I'd like to work the
other direction. I'd like to begin with
healthy relationships and how to support them in times of conflict. This approach doesn't look at conflict as
something to be avoided. It looks at
conflict as a necessary part of human relationships. Looking at how people in healthy relationships deal with conflict
can give us some guidance for those in less healthy or unhealthy relationships.
Dr. John Gottman, or Dr. Love as
he is called, has been studying healthy relationships for the last 30
years. His conclusions, so far, suggest
that conflict in a marriage isn't a predictor of the health of that relationship. People in healthy, robust relationships
still fight with each other, sometimes frequently. What best predicts whether a relationship will succeed is whether
the partners are friends. It is the
strength of the friendship that matters most, not so much compatibility or even
similarity. People who can honestly say
that their partner is their best friend have a good chance at having a long
lasting and satisfying relationship.
What qualities of a friendship are
important in a healthy relationship?
Qualities like being willing to understand, honor and respect each
other. Willingness to maintain positive
regard for your partner, even when in conflict. And when in conflict, friends argue over issues, not personal
failings and flaws. They respect each
other’s boundaries.
And then they get married.
One of the biggest problems in
marriages is expectation. Both partners
bring expectations of what marriage means absorbed from family, friends and
books, music, and movies that cannot even begin to be articulated before the
wedding day. Some of those expectations
neither partner may be aware of until they are uncovered months, even years
later.
One of the most harmful
expectations is that the one's partner will fulfill every need, satisfy every
desire, and meet all one's intimacy needs.
Ever felt that way? I think the
hormone intoxication of falling in love sets up those expectations. If I like to bicycle, or play tennis, or
ski, or sail, or watch football, so will my spouse. If I love to dance, have long conversations, and watch old movies
on TV, so will my partner. If they
don’t hang up their clothes or leave the bathroom mirror open, they'll want to
change because he or she loves me.
Right?
I'm afraid not. This may seem obvious, but examine carefully
your own feelings. Most people have a
very strong desire to have their partners be just like them or at least
different in an acceptable, attractive way.
Relationships begin to fail when one partner accepts that projection of
desire and begins to submerge their differences to satisfy the needs of the
other person to feel loved.
Take the example of a fictional
husband, I'll call him George, who dominates his wife, I'll call her
Carol. George makes a great deal of
money and has a prestigious job. He is
well known and respected in the community.
Carol works part-time for a non-profit social service agency. Their social life revolves around his
friends and associates. He makes most
of the significant decisions in the family with minimal consultation. He decides where they will live and how to
invest their money. He decides where
they will vacation. She goes along
because she doesn't feel like she has much of a choice. George is, of course, very generous to Carol
buying her beautiful things, but doesn't give her what she secretly
wants--recognition and respect.
On the outside they don't look
like they are failing. George and Carol
look like an affluent, successful couple.
George is getting what he wants and he's happy. Carol, however,
gradually starts shutting down emotionally because her humanity is being
diminished in the relationship. She may
even feel guilty that she can't be more compliant. But her needs for recognition and respect don't go away. And over time her unmet needs can become
toxins in the relationship.
Let's look at another fictional
couple, Jim and Cindy. Cindy is an
architect with a medium-sized firm, earning the larger salary. Jim is a freelance software developer working
out of a home office. The couple
married out of college and decided to move to the town where one of them got
the best salary offer--which turned out to be Cindy. They decided together to live in an inexpensive, cramped
apartment to save money so Cindy could fulfill her dream of designing and
building their home. Jim loves to sail,
but Cindy doesn't like to get wet. They
chose to live near a large lake so Jim could sail even though that meant Cindy
would have to commute farther. The land
they have bought is right on the edge of the lake. Both Jim and Cindy have their own circle of friends as well as
couples they like to spend time with.
They enjoy spending time together as well as apart and have their own
interests. Jim is designing his own
boat and Cindy enjoys playing bridge.
What they really enjoy doing together is contra dancing.
The partners in a healthy
marriage like Cindy and Jim’s do not dissolve all boundaries and merge into one
blob of protoplasm. They remain
distinct people with unique wants and needs throughout their lives. Both Cindy and Jim accept each other's
different interests--even celebrate them.
In healthy marriages, the partners
differentiate from each other. They do
not internalize the likes and dislikes of their partner as their own. Cindy doesn't have to like sailing because
Jim does. They may want to respond to
the likes or dislikes of their partner, but will also not be confused
about what they are doing. Cindy may go
for a sail on a calmer day, but not a windy one. They recognize and respect, rather than hide, the many ways they
are different from their partner, even in disagreement with their partner.
The downside of recognizing
differences in relationships is that it creates anxiety. If Carol decides to assert herself and
suggest to George that they not go to Florida this winter, but rather go to
Arizona to visit her relatives (who George dislikes), there is likely to be
conflict. If Cindy insists that Jim be
her bridge partner even though he doesn't like to play as much as she does, trouble's
a-brewing. If Jim spends all his time
on his boat and doesn't play some bridge with Cindy on occasion with their
friends, resentment will build.
Partners in healthy relationships
recognize and expect that differences will create tension and conflict. They expect this as a natural part of the
relationship. In the healthiest
relationships there is a willingness to negotiate those differences so each
partner can find either satisfaction or acceptance. In every healthy relationship one partner will sacrifice a
little, sometimes a lot, of their desires to satisfy their partner. Jim might be Cindy's partner for a weekend
of duplicate bridge once a year. In
personal sacrifice, some kind of balance remains because each is operating out
of free choice--not compulsion. A great
sacrifice for one's partner is very meaningful if it is a freely given gift of
love.
The balancing act of those
differences will change over a lifetime.
Cindy may lose interest in bridge or Jim in sailing. Jim may grow to dislike living away from a
city and want to return to where the action is. Cindy may find her interest in designing human systems sends her
back to school for a MBA. And as each
person changes, the relationship must make adjustments.
This is one of the great struggles
for mature relationships. Both partners
negotiate a stable relationship that seems to satisfy both partners. Then one partner wants to make a change. The
longer that agreement lasts, the harder it is when one partner wants to upset
the apple cart by renegotiating it. I
can imagine George yelling at Carol as she begins to assert her desires,
"We've had such a wonderful relationship so far, why must you change
it? Why are you being
selfish? Why can't you
just remain the same person you were?"
She can’t. Life isn't like
that. If there is one constant in life,
it is change, the law of impermanence.
Sadly, changes in relationships usually lag changes in each
partner. It is unrealistic to expect
relationships to remain the same, even if the partners try to keep them the
same. Even if the couple wants
the relationship to stay the same, their children will disturb things because
they are constantly growing and changing too.
So healthy relationships exhibit
skillful adaptation to change rather than achieving and remaining in some
perfected, idyllic state. One of the
most harmful myths perpetuated by Hollywood is the idea of a “soul mate.” There is some ideal person out there who
will fit perfectly into one's life, like a perfectly matched handbag or pair of
shoes with an outfit. Relationship guru
Harville Hendrix talks about this magical person as one's 'imago,' an
internally constructed fantasy of one's perfect partner. Unfortunately, even if one could find that
perfect match, that person will eventually grow and change and begin to deviate
from one’s imago. Or worse, you might
grow and change and your imago may change away from that person.
Healthy relationships, then, are
not made in heaven; they are hammered out on earth through ongoing negotiation
and compromise. This is what real love
looks like. It is an intense commitment
to hang in together through thick and thin.
Sometimes things will go my way.
Sometimes they won't. Sometimes
I'll feel closer. Sometimes I'll feel
more distant. But over time, real love
grows and intensifies. That commitment
translates into a deepening trust in the other partner that allows freely
chosen sacrifices for the good of the other partner, for the good of the
relationship. Building a healthy
relationship is hard work that never ends.
It takes ongoing investment and negotiation till the day we die. The result is worth every hurt feeling and
misunderstanding that happens along the way.
I feel privileged to have watched
that kind of relationship worked out by my parents. My parents were married in 1955.
My mother studied home economics in college to prepare her to be a
wife. I watched my mother transformed
by the feminist movement to differentiate from my father, go to school to
become a librarian, and establish her own identity as a woman. I saw my father changed as he became our
chef. They struggled together but never
stopped loving each other.
I bring the example of my parents
to my relationship with Philomena and also to my relationship with this
congregation. I am not trying to mold
this congregation into some idealized vision of what I think a congregation
should be. I've studied, honor and
respect the heritage that has defined this religious body. Just as in marriage, I expect conflict. When we are in conflict, I maintain a
positive regard for this institution and for the people who comprise it. I strive to help us always keep focused on
the issues and principles at stake rather than on personalities. I maintain a strong commitment to navigate
the changes in our congregational life and identity in ways that continue to
strengthen rather than weaken us.
I think the French and Germans may
understand how to do this better than we Americans do. They've had many more years of intense
political struggle with their neighbors than we have had. They know the costs of war fought on their
own soil. The European Union is a
testament to the value of building relationships rather than destroying them. The French and Germans believe the
objectives we seek can be better gained through negotiations rather than with
bombs. They are using the increasing
tension of our military buildup as part of their strategy to resolve the
conflict.
Will the French and German
approach work? We'll see. Does a healthy couple negotiate every
conflict successfully? Not always.
There are challenges such as the death of a child or a betrayal of trust
that can end even the strongest marriages.
There is a tragic element to existence that cannot be removed. There but by the grace of good fortune go
I. Diplomacy and negotiation may not be
able to bring a resolution to the crisis in Iraq. But we must exhaust every option we have first.
While we cannot absolutely control
life to protect ourselves and our loved ones from harm, we can greatly improve
the odds on love. Learning from the
research on healthy relationships can help us create the kind of satisfying and
fulfilling relationships we want. It
isn't up to our partner to do this work.
It is up to each one of us to become the kind of partner we want to
have.
People who attempt to act and do things for others or for
the world without deepening their own self-understanding, freedom, integrity
and capacity to love, will not have anything to give others. They will communicate to them nothing but the
contagion of their own obsessions, their aggressiveness, their ego-centered
ambitions, their delusions about ends and means, their doctrinaire prejudices
and ideas.
--by Thomas Merton
Go forth from this place with greater self-understanding
An enlarged sense of the freedom of the will
to choose a new direction,
An appreciation of the value of integrity,
honoring our unique individuality
And, a renewed dedication to learn to love each other better
So we may be effective peacemakers in our troubled world.
The material on healthy relationships drawn from:
The Couple’s Survival Handbook: What YOU Can Do to Reconnect
with Your Partner and Make Your Marriage Work. by David Olsen and Douglas Stephens. New Harbinger Publications
www.newharbinger.com ISBN 1-57244-254-X
Copyright
© 2002 by the Rev. Samuel A. Trumbore.
All rights reserved.